look, ma! i have a blog!

2011-05-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

i decided today that i would start blogging. it's something i've thought about for a while, but never gave it serious consideration. why? well, because i though: who gives a damn what i have to say? but, you know what? i don't care who gives a damn. and i finally made the decision to post. and a lot of this may or may not be grammatically correct, a lot of this will likely be completely lower case, and i really don't care. because i'm not expecting this to be a popular, just somewhere where i can express what i'm feeling at the moment without having to pay a shrink $100+ an hour. i'm done with that, mostly because i'm broke...

but, anyway, here i am. ready to bear my soul to whomever decides to read this. on with my first post!

what i'm feeling at the moment: sadness...

on june 4, 2009, i lost a very dear friend. he was in a horrible car accident, was ejected from his seat out the windsheild and pinned under the car as it finished it's deadly trajectory. there's not one day that goes by that i don't think of Jorge, but on some days (like today), the loss, the hole in my heart, feels bigger than usual. i miss him so much.

let me tell you about Jorge. he was the life of the party. he was always smiling and trying to make those around him smile. he had a heart of pure gold. his life motto? FUCK IT. move on. brush the negativity away and keep walking with your head held high. he was truly an amazing person. in the time that i knew him, there wasn't once that i remember him being down.

the reason for my current state of saddness is that yesterday, while taking my lunch break, i saw a guy. out of my "corner eye," as my nephew says. and for a split second of a fragment of a moment in time, i thought it was Jorge, until the cold realization hit me. it can't be. jorge is dead. and that is what sent me spiraling in to this bottomless pit of a black hole called depression. to make matters worse, i had a dream about him. he wasn't there, that would have been too easy. i was in a vast empty space, calling his name, looking for him, running, confused and scared. and i couldn't find him. he never called back to me. i didn't know where he was. but i do know. and i hate that. i hate that i can't call him out of the blue anymore to go get lunch. i hate that i can't send him a random text complaining about one thing or the next. i hate that i drive by his old place of work on a day-to- FUCKING-day basis and still look for his car. no, people, i'm not an obsessive stalker, he worked at a refinery that happens to be on my way home. i could take an alternate route home, but that way takes me passed the place where he lost his life. i'll take the lesser of two evils.

this has gone on long enough. i'll end it here. i'll suck it up and move on. but i can't. it's not that easy. what sucks. is i thought this would make me feel better, to get this feeling out. but it doesn't. it just reinforces the fact that he is gone. and that i miss him every fucking day of my life. but...i know he is looking down on me, laughing his ass off. and telling me not to worry about it, because we will see each other again.

i'll see you when i get there, Jorge. love you.

Ramblings of a ScatterBrain

look, ma! i have a blog!